Will I Ever?

I’m better, but I’m not okay. There’s something lingering in me even when I’m distracted, even when I’m not consciously thinking. Sometimes it feels like something is missing.

I know this won’t last forever. I know this will pass. But there are days and moments that still pierce my heart and hurt me, while I can’t do anything to change the pain but embrace it.

I have no advice for this, except to let it happen. Sometimes I have a lot of clarity, and that clarity eases some of the reasons why I feel so hurt..but it brings light to new discoveries that hurt in a different way.

Sometimes I force myself to do things, to get out of the house, to enjoy, to be present. There are moments when it doesn’t weigh as heavily, and I actually have time to breathe and feel like myself again. But something always lingers. The questioning always comes back. Not in the same way, but there are always questions and most of the time, the answers hurt.

Consciously practicing patience with myself has led me to feel compassion, which has helped me not fall into despair as frequently as I used to. Yet that feeling of being lost hasn’t left me.

Now other questions come. Other feelings. Fears I didn’t have before. I embrace them all, but I can’t overcome them.

I’m starting to realize there are parts of myself I’ve lost... and I’m never getting them back..

S...