When Things Fall Apart..

Before I run deep, this is a book that everyone should read. It’s pure wisdom, and a light in the darkest moments. I found it during my reflections, and it broke me open in ways I wasn’t ready for but maybe that’s exactly the point.

Pema talks about the path of a warrior..not the warrior who conquers, but the one who catches themselves in the middle of their own mind. The warrior who lets the pain pierce their heart instead of running away from it.

That idea hit me like fire: I keep trying to avoid pain, or numb it, or wish it away. But what if being strong isn’t escaping it? What if it’s letting it stab straight through, and still standing?

Pema also talks about ye tang che, this phrase that means “total hopelessness.” It sounds terrifying… who wants to feel hopeless? But she explains that the hope we cling to is often the thing that keeps us stuck. The hope that “if only” something happened.. if only they came back, if only I got the apology, if only life gave me justice.. then I’d be okay. That hope is a trap. It ties us to the fantasy of a resolution that never comes.

I felt that in my bones. I’ve been living on that kind of hope: waiting for his silence to break, waiting for recognition, waiting for the moment I’d be seen. And Pema calls it out for what it is attachment disguised as hope. A lie.

Real hope is different. It isn’t waiting for someone else to change. It isn’t banking on a movie ending. It’s smaller and steadier: the belief that even in my brokenness, I will find a way to live again. That someday, there will be a version of me who doesn’t wake up with this weight on my chest.

And maybe the hardest part of her book was about the mirror. She says there comes a point when you can’t keep twisting the mirror to make yourself come out looking good. You can’t keep pretending. I had that awakening moment too ..realizing that the man I loved wasn’t capable of sustaining that love, wasn’t able to grow into what our relationship needed. He couldn’t choose us because he was too afraid of facing himself.

Love didn’t hurt me. What hurt me were the lies, the avoidance, the fear. Love itself was never the problem.

After reading, I decided to discuss it with my spiritual guide and my therapist, and I reflected on the wisdom they shared in those conversations: “Everything that hurts you doesn’t matter, and what matters doesn’t hurt”. Love, understanding, encouragement, support, faith in someone… I was all of that. I was everything that matters. And all of that stayed with me.

This doesn’t only apply to my breakup, but also to every other wound that tries to convince us we are bonded to an infinite wheel of pain. We are not. We can’t control other people’s choices or even some of our own life situations.. but we can control how we choose to react to them.

What matters, what truly matters in life, does not hurt us. It brings us closer to peace and to our true selves, by letting us choose to act from a kinder path.. when we bring goodness to a world that desperately needs it. Asking ourselves: How does my reaction bring me closer to kindness, toward myself and toward others? What am I bringing to my own heart? What are my actions leaving in other people’s hearts?

I’m not magically okay now. I’m still pierced open. But I know I am hopeless in the best way facing fear without sugarcoating, letting myself bleed instead of running, speaking honestly instead of covering up what hurts.

S...