I Miss You Still..

I miss you. I miss you so much. I think of you every morning when I wake up, and some nights you still pop into my mind before bed. I hate feeling this way. I hate that this pain has the power to break me open again and again. I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of thinking about you. I’m tired of letting this take up so much space inside me.

I don’t know if all breakups feel like this. Honestly, I don’t remember feeling this destroyed in any of my previous relationships. But I’m still here, standing in it.

I’m lucky to have my circle, the ones who have been patient, who have created a net for me to land on, who have listened to me repeat my pain without judgment. Sometimes they don’t even use words; they just sit with me. I am grateful for them.

Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m writing, I’m just writing. I’ve thought about stopping. I’ve resisted this process and thought about giving up. At first I wanted my writing to be meaningful, perfect, something that would show a path for others, something that mattered. But the truth is.. it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to make sense to anyone but me. It doesn’t have to be polished. It just has to be a space where I can heal.

I want to tell my story, not as something flawless for an audience, but as something for myself. Something that will help me come back to myself. Something that will guide me through this process, even if it’s messy and unpolished because that’s what I am right now. Messy and unpolished.

Two days ago I had a great session with my spiritual guide. Yes, I’m doing spiritual work. I’m walking the warrior’s path Pema Chödrön talks about, and I’m letting this pain pierce my heart to the point of feeling like I’m dying. And honestly, like my guide J said..I am.

This isn’t just the death of a relationship. It’s the catalyst for an entire soul awakening. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy, and unfortunately there’s no calendar telling me how long this will take. There’s no date to circle where I can just hold out until it’s over.

I’ve shifted from trying to understand you to working on becoming more aligned with my true self. I owe that to myself. And I’m starting to understand that I’ll never know why you did what you did. I’ll never get closure or even an apology. And facing that truth has opened a whole new level of pain.

S..