For you... and Me..

I’m not going to know what this was to you. After the lies, the betrayal, the manipulation, and you robbing me of my last say reducing me to a blocked user on your phone and social media. I got erased, just like that. As if the last three years and something were nothing. As if everything we had wasn’t meaningful, didn’t even matter.

But God… it was real to me. I really, truly loved you. I still do. I love you so much that I can’t be sure I’ll ever stop. Love will adapt. It will change into something else. I think it already has started to shape into something that doesn’t need you to survive, but won’t consume me either. Because true love doesn’t just go away,.. It lingers.

I’ve questioned its realness. Because if what I felt for you had only been a bond sustained by trauma and unhealed wounds, maybe it would be easier to forget and move on. And even though there were some unhealthy patterns in the relationship, those weren’t what kept us together they were what broke us. The inability to face them and overcome them ended up being stronger than the love between us.

I miss the sound of your voice it was my favorite sound in the world. I wish I could hear it again. I miss the scent of your skin; it used to warm my heart, especially when we were cuddling, watching a movie, or right before bed. I miss looking into your eyes those beautiful green eyes, so cheerful and intelligent. I miss watching you laugh. It was so contagious, it made me smile every time. I miss our dynamic. I miss what you became for me. I miss telling you about my day and sharing excitement with you. I miss your adventurous spirit and your contagious dreams. I wish I could have seen you fulfill them. I miss your hugs, your forehead kisses. I miss our playfulness and the vulnerability of our conversations.. I miss everything, i miss it all.…

I wish you could have seen that all I wanted was for us to grow together not just in age, but as humans. I wanted us to become the best versions of ourselves. I wanted to take that journey together, to be part of a love that was chosen freely and consciously.

Now that journey is mine to walk alone.

You were so sure this was just a honeymoon phase. You were so afraid of change and of losing yourself. I wish you could have seen it from a different place from a braver one.

I wish I could share this. I wish I could read it to you out loud. I wish I could stand in front of you and tell you even after everything you’ve done love hasn’t extinguished. Other things broke, some maybe beyond repair. But love... love was always real. It just wasn’t enough for you to grow.

One day, when missing you doesn’t hurt this much, when I’m finally able to forgive it all… love might come again for me again. It won’t feel anything like it feels now.. We don't get to experience love with this intensity twice in our lifes. I will never love anyone like I have loved you.

You were the loved of the life I wanted.

Next time… I hope it finds me in someone who is brave enough to stay.

S...